These Words shared by My Father That Saved Me when I became a New Dad

"I think I was just in survival mode for the first year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the demands of fatherhood.

However the actual experience rapidly turned out to be "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health issues around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her chief support while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he required support.

The direct statement "You are not in a good place. You need support. What can I do to support you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more accustomed to talking about the pressure on moms and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles dads go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are symptomatic of a broader inability to open up amongst men, who still internalise harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a show of weakness to ask for help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to take a respite - spending a short trip abroad, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.

He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotional states as well as the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "terrible actions" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that are harmful," he says. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Coping as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a friend, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that made you feel like you before having a baby. It could be exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Pay attention to the body - eating well, staying active and when you can, resting, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the best way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead give the stability and nurturing he lacked.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - managing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men due to the fact that they confronted their pain, transformed how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… dealing with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I wrote, sometimes I believe my role is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."